Roughing It

It seems that Alaska is subject to lots of inaccurate stereotypes. I think that is because somewhere in Alaska you can find all those stereotypes, so technically, they aren’t inaccurate. Some are just rare. Here is a link to a trailer to one of my favorite short films that embraces a bunch of Alaska stereotypes, mostly true.

One misconception many have is that because of our weather, we are all living out a bare existence in the crudest of conditions.

The reason for that misconception could be because in Alaska you are not allowed to put siding on your living quarters until right before you sell it.

Additionally, you may not discard any major appliance, dead automobile, boat, RV or snow machine, used lumber or furniture, or anything that you can possibly imagine repurposing in the future. If you don’t have room for the six leaky boats and their seized up outboards or the pickup and camper that you rolled while climbing up the Turnagain Pass on the Sterling/Seward highway during a blizzard, we have plenty of storage units where you can pay to store your junk until you die and your kids get the opportunity to see what a hoarder you were. Note to my heirs; I do not have any rented storage units, but that could change.

I think there are just enough supposedly smart and well equipped adventurist types who die here (in spite of all their planning) to perpetuate the myth of exaggerated danger lurking around every tree in Alaska. While Alaska is accommodating to those determined to win a Darwin award, there is a significant number of old guys who made it by simply out living our supply of testosterone. Speaking on their behalf,  “we have had enough ‘adventure’ “. We get our entertainment from many “unusual” sources.

Like sitting at the breakfast table watching a new Alaskan resident trying to start his car on the coldest day of their first winter here. They are just adorable, plugging in heaters to the engine block heater, battery blankets and assorted temperature sensitive components under the hood. Then they are confounded when the battery will only turn the engine over at about 100 RPM and finally, the only sound that sucker will make is a weak ticking sound.

If they would just go to YouTube they’d see that you must take the battery inside and hook it up to a charger in a 70 degree room overnight. YouTube doesn’t teach the secrets though. Like the importance of attitude. Here’s the system:

First, don’t let the vehicle know that you are in a hurry. Get up about four hours before you need to leave, and don’t look outside. Just make a pot of coffee and read the paper for at least 15 minutes (doesn’t matter that it is last weeks paper, the car can’t read type that small).

Second, casually get completely dressed for an ice fishing outing and head out to gather your gear. While walking passed the car casually throw some gasoline on the kindling you set up the night before and light it. The fire has to be out of sight of the vehicle and have a buried chimney pipe to conduct the hot products of combustion to underneath the vehicle.

As the fire burns down, gather some ice fishing gear and throw it in the back of the car, putter around for a few minutes more then casually get in the drivers seat but don’t close the door. Kinda like, “While I’m here, I might as well see if she’ll start”. When that fails and the battery is dead again, pull it out and take it into the arctic entry and hook up the charger again.

Third, on the way back, casually walk past the vehicle back to the kitchen muttering something about making a big lunch for the day. And this is key, don’t let the car see that you are anxious about it starting or possibly making you late for the dentist. Just act like you don’t really care whether the car will start. Mutter something like, “My knee is killing me, maybe I’ll just drink beer in front of the wood stove and watch the Red/Green show.

And D, You actually do go crack a beer, stoke up the wood stove and watch Red/Green reruns for about an hour. Hours later, in the heat of mid-day (maybe only 10 degrees, but that’s all you are going to get until April) take all three batteries (of course, you have backups), hook them up in parallel and start that sucker. Then, DON’T SHUT IT DOWN.

There was a period of minus 65 (no wind, but it is a dry cold) in McGrath for weeks. The owner of the grocery store/gas pump kept his Dodge caravan running for the whole time and put out a notice on the local radio station for free taxi service to anyone needing to get around. People could still get around by dog team or on snow machines but no one fell through the cracks that winter.

I’ve been looking for examples of tourists that have obviously been influenced by some of the stereotypes. Here’s yet another.

I’m sure they think they are ready for anything. I’m pretty sure they are, as long as they don’t leave the road system.

Like this guy. We are all used to seeing vehicles in the ditch on the road to Anchorage. It really gets your attention when you see wheels on top. I was abeam this guy before I figured out what probably happened.

He had an engine failure and had to dead stick it on the highway. This is on one of the few really long straight stretches just south of Ninilchik. He was probably doing fine until a car tried to pass him.

Looks like a little repair on the left side landing gear, some 100 MPH duct tape and a new prop, and he’s back in business. BTW the odds greatly favor the pilot being a male of the species. I’m looking forward to finding out the official version.

Looks like he might need some motor mount work also. But if they were belted in, definitely survivable.

This week is get ready for cruising week. Earl’s ready.

Today’s forecast, 100% chance of rain with a change coming tomorrow; 100% chance of heavy rain.

Think I’ll watch some football and maybe a few Red/Green episodes.