Lives I’ve Lived

I keep looking back and examining my life. Of course, it gets better with each telling. I think that is because each time I revisit it is from a different (hopefully better) vantage point. Understanding has come from a lot of therapy. A lot of which has been supplied by my friends and family. Their patience and support has literally saved some lives. They have really been packing in some good karma. I’m trying to pass some of that on; it’s not always easy. I’d be interested in hearing if some of you relate to some of these lives. It is always good to hear that you are not alone.

Lifetime One:

It was indeed, the best of times. Growing up white, male and middle class in the fifties in southern California. That pretty much covers it.

Lifetime Two, the sixties:

It was sometimes the best of times. Dropping out of college after the first year to live on a boat in Long Beach with nothing to do but sail, surf and wait for them to draft me. One of the few plans that worked perfectly.

But there were times when we were sure that it was the worst. JFK, LBJ, MLK, Bobby, Jimmy, Janice,The Bomb, The Draft, The Cuban Missile Crisis, The ’68 Tet offensive, My Lai, Freedom Riders, Nixon, The Cambodian Campaign, and this is just the first things that come to mind, off the top of my head as they say.

This plan resulted in getting drafted in Aug ’66, after that we (all males that I knew between 19 and 24) were playing Army and Marines for real in the “Southeast Asian War Games” until Dec 1970.

Lifetime Three, the seventies:

Coming Home as a Vietnam vet with new career as Husband, Father, Fireman and Contractor. Pretty good times if you were good at denial. The Fireman gig was a good way to scale down the adrenalin addiction. The PTSD was not to get in the way of living until later (see lifetime six). Raising kids was challenging and rewarding and we thought we were doing it sooooooooo right. I think I understand the challenges better after watching my kids raise their kids. Thankfully, they did a better job than we did. I have a lot of faith in my grandchildren fixing the current mess we are in. The stakes are high.

I digress, to no one’s surprise. Back to me.

Lifetime Four, the eighties:

Moved to Colorado to make fortune in spec building. Beautiful place. Got spanked good as developer/contractor. So I joined the dark side (FAA) and moved to Alaska for………

Lifetime Five, 20+ years in Alaska:

What a ride! Got out of debt and sent two wonderful kids off to university. Blessed with six grand children, first two surrogate, followed by four with 1/4 of my genes. All of them would grow up to be the best people ever. Then retired, moved to Oregon and the shit hit the fan.

Lifetime Six, divorce, PTSD:

This one would not span that many years but it seemed like a lifetime. A wise old helicopter pilot once told me that divorce is a journey not a destination. I agree, kinda like engine failure and autorotation with no hydraulics. You know you are gonna stick the landing but you are not so sure about walking away.

Lifetime Now: Gratitude.

Survived the landing and even made it across the wire to a safe LZ. Looks like the only thing we broke was the planet, sorry about that kids. Never in my wildest dreams (or nightmares) did I envision the many major life changes my future would hold. You guys lived through the same world and when I do get to hear  your stories I am often humbled by the obstacles you have overcome. But I always seem to turn the narative back to me. Narcissism is the next thing I plan to explore with my therapist. What could possibly go wrong.

Anyway, no matter what barriers I may still have to achieving inner peace, it feels like I’m really close. Helpful hint, It helps to not care how f…king crazy you are. Playing the crazy old man card can be a lot of fun!

Super grateful for all that I have and that includes all of you.

At least the weather is still perfect in Alaska. If you don’t believe me, just come visit, you’ll see. Don’t worry, I have rain gear you can borrow.